R-E-A-C-H Towards Forgiveness With Others

The Christian community considers the Bible to be the definitive word of God.  The Bible is often referred to as a manual for daily living and therefore we often will recite scripture or summarize Bible stories as a way to help others and ourselves in dealing with the difficulties of life.  Biblical truths are very powerful when spoken with compassion and understanding towards others.

 

As a Christian counselor, my style in helping others tries to combine the clinical research and findings related to various mental health and emotional issues with these Biblical truths.  There are various proven and valid Christian counseling techniques for helping others in dealing with their problems.  One such method is the REACH Model, which is a forgiveness and reconciliation model that works particularly well with couples that are seeking marriage counseling.  

Psychologist Everett Worthington Jr., who back in 1996 endured a horrific tragedy, developed the REACH Model after his own elderly mother was beaten and attacked.  His ability to develop understanding and forgiveness towards the persons who performed this act became an inspiration to many and is what allowed the REACH Model to take form.

 

The REACH Model is an acronym meaning:

Recall the hurt
Empathize with the one who hurt you
Altruistic gift of forgiveness
Commitment to forgive
Hold on to the forgiveness

Step 1 Recall the Hurt. When we are hurt, it is natural to experience fear or anger. Fear prompts us to run and anger prompts us to attack. It is natural for a victim to try to physically and mentally avoid the aggressor. Mental avoidance consists of trying to forget or distract the mind from focusing on painful thoughts related to the event. Physical avoidance is relatively easy, but escaping thoughts is more difficult and can highly frustrating. It is difficult to forgive if fear or anger still dominates your mind. The way to overcome the fear or the anger is to recall the event and still try to relax. Take deep, slow and calming breaths as you visualize the event and recall the hurt event fully. Do not hesitate to seek help from a friend or a therapist if it’s difficult to do on your own.

Step 2 Empathize with the person who hurt you. Explain the hurtful act, not from your perspective, but from that of the other. Why did he or she do this? The purpose of this imaginative exercise is not to arrive at the most accurate explanation of the wrongdoer’s actions but to find an explanation with which you can live and let go. For example, you may say to yourself, “People who hurt others are themselves usually in a state of fear, anger or hurt” or, “People are not always thinking rationally when they hurt others.” Couples often struggle with this concept because they often have such high trust and expectation in each other and can feel betrayed when one hurts the other. But, the love they have for each other can hopefully allow for empathy to take place. Also, understanding the love God has for us is important in being able to have empathy for others.

Step 3 Altruistic gift of forgiveness. This can again be a very difficult thing to do, especially when the person giving this gift of forgiveness was the one who originally felt they were the victims. But, God regularly forgives his people and provides grace. Giving a person who wronged us the gift of forgiveness is a way of telling the person that they are worth it and also helps lift the burden of anger and bitterness.

Step 4 Commit yourself. Make a commitment to yourself to forgive publicly so you don’t have a chance to back out later. Such public commitment may include announcing your intention to a group you belong to, write a “certificate of forgiveness” with a specific date on the certificate; write a letter of forgiveness to the wrongdoer and reading it out loud, directly confronting the person who hurt you, or tell a trusted friend about your act of forgiveness. Obviously, before we can publicly or privately forgive, I believe we have to pray for God to heal our hearts and give us this ability and confidence.

Step 5 Hold onto forgiveness. Memories of the hurtful event will surface even after you have forgiven the wrongdoer. Hopefully, the memories will not be as emotional and disturbing as they were before you exercised your ability to forgive. Forgiveness should be genuine. Learn to interrupt all thoughts related to revenge and self-pity. True forgiveness reduces chronic anger, fear and stress, increases optimism and brings health benefits.

Tagline: Michael Linn, M.Ed., is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is a Regional Director at Safe Harbor Christian Counseling with office locations in Altoona, Carlisle, Chambersburg, Fairfield, Hagerstown, and Gettysburg. Please visit www.safeharbor1.com for more information or call 717-264-0614 to make an appointment.

 

Positive Thinking and Beliefs by Michael Linn

Last month, we focused on setting goals and commitments for yourself in regards to social, physical, emotional, and spiritual health.  People are far more likely to believe to stick to lifestyle changes if they are able to maintain a positive attitude and truly believe in God’s presence in their lives.

Positive thinking brings inner peace, success, improved relationships, better health, happiness and satisfaction. It also helps the daily affairs of life move more smoothly, and makes life look bright and promising.

Positive thinking is contagious. People around you pick your mental moods and are affected accordingly. Think about happiness, good health and success, and you will cause people to enjoy your company more often, because they enjoy the vibrations that a positive mind emits.

In order to make positive thinking yield positive results, you need to develop a positive attitude and expect that God will not give you more than you can handle.  But, you also need to know that through your relationship with God, your problems can be worked through.  Don’t let the challenges you face become burdens or barriers, but instead see them as God’s way of showing he believes in you.

Effective positive thinking that brings results is much more than just repeating a few positive words, or telling yourself that everything is going to be all right. It has to be your predominant mental attitude. It is not enough to think positively for a few moments, and then letting fears and lack of belief enter your mind. Some effort and inner work are necessary.

Are you willing to make a real inner change and allow God to work through you?
Are you willing to change the way you think?
Are you willing to trust God and the circumstances that come your way and believe that you will overcome them through dependency in Him?

Here are a few actions and tips to help you develop the power of positive thinking:

• Always use only positive words while thinking and while talking. Use words such as, ’I can’, ‘I am able’, ‘it is possible’, ‘it can be done’ and emphasizing that all this can be done “through my relationship with God!”    
       
• Allow into your awareness only feelings of happiness, strength and success.      
       
• Try to disregard and ignore negative thoughts and attacks. Refuse to think such thoughts, and substitute them with constructive happy thoughts.      
       
• In your conversation use words that evoke feelings and mental images of strength, happiness and success.      
       
• Before starting with any plan or action, visualize clearly in your mind its successful outcome. If you visualize with concentration and faith, you will be amazed at the results.      
       
• Read at least one page of an inspiring book every day.  I recommend devotional books as well and the Psalms in The Bible.      
       
• Watch movies that make you feel happy.      
       
• Minimize the time you listen to the news and read the papers.  Most news is negative.      
       
• Associate yourself with people who think positively and are strong in their faith.      
       
• Always sit and walk with your back straight. This will strengthen your confidence and inner strength.      
       
• Walk, swim or engage in some other physical activity. This helps to develop a more positive attitude.

Think positive and be ready for what God hands you, even if your current circumstances are not as you wish them to be. In time, your obedience and commitment to staying positive and faithful will begin to bear fruit in your life.

 

Tagline: Michael Linn, M.Ed., is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is the director of Safe Harbor Christian Counseling of South Central PA with office locations in Altoona, Carlisle, Chambersburg, Fairfield, and Gettysburg. Please visit www.safeharbor1.com for more information or call 717-264-0614 to make an appointment.

 

The Value of Patience

Psalm 40:1 states, ”I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.”

We live in a fast paced world. Technology has allowed for people to get information at a faster rate, communicate with people in several different forms all around the world, and most people are able to obtain services they desire at a quicker pace. One of the main issues that most counselors (me included) run into when working with people is that the people want to know, “How long is it going to take for me to get over this problem?” Most services people receive nowadays have a definite time that can be given to when the job will be complete. Even most medical conditions can be treated and given a time when the problem should not exist anymore.

I often tell the people I work with that my job would be much easier if I could just take an x-ray to figure out the main problem with someone. Also, it would be easier if there was the almighty quick-fix for mental health and emotional problems. But, we know that this does not exist for the challenges in life that God gives us. Waiting patiently on the Lord and depending on Him is a challenge for most people and a concept very difficult to understand.

When I first began as a counselor, I often wanted to find the quick fix for people and I was often the one who felt impatient if someone came in week after week and was still struggling to understand their suffering. I have learned a great lesson as I have gained experience in working with others; God’s timing is different than ours. Also, God’s plans for our lives are greater than anything we could imagine. Being obedient to God and trusting that he will pull us out of our troubles is essential for every Christian believer. As a Christian counselor, I know that I have a responsibility to communicate this to people I help.

I want to share a story about a client who recently humbled me to be more patient with the process of helping another person. He is a young boy who I have seen for a long time on a weekly basis. He comes from a troubled home and has been through many traumatic events in his life. This boy has presented over the past 2 years as very angry and avoidant of discussion during therapy. I have prayed for him and his family over the time I have worked with him but have often felt very discouraged by the lack of progress that I thought I should be seeing. His family continued to bring him on a weekly basis and was more patient than I was with the process.

Lately, God has been working in both of us during our therapy sessions, as I have seen a dramatic shift in his behaviors and willingness to open up. Recently, God revealed a scripture to me, Romans 15:4-5, ”For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope. Now may the God of patience and comfort grant you to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus.” This scripture has served as a great reminder for me to be obedient to God’s word and just be present with others while showing Christ-like love. This approach allowed me to stop trying to force success and change with this young boy and allowed for greater results ultimately to occur.

I encourage all of you who read this to remember that change does not always occur as fast as we would like, but God’s timing and Will is always better than what we could create for ourselves.

In 1 Peter 1:6-7, it states, “In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”

Tagline: Michael Linn, M.Ed., is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is the director of Safe Harbor Christian Counseling of South Central PA with office locations in Altoona, Carlisle, Chambersburg, Fairfield, and Gettysburg. Please visit www.safeharbor1.com for more information or call 717-264-0614 to make an appointment.

A Call to Fathers

The book of Genesis focuses heavily on the lineage of Abraham. We see Abraham’s love for his son Issac, but also his love and obedience to God. Abraham, even though it agonized him, was prepared to sacrifice his own son (see Genesis 22). The role of an effective and loving father is no doubt a sacrifice to make. A father has an incredible amount of influence in what they model to their sons and daughters. Since fathers are often seen as the leaders within families, how they carry themselves on a daily basis is essential.

Dr. James Dobson, in his book Bringing up Boys, describes the four roles of the traditional father. The first is to serve as the family provider. This would include financial and emotional provision for his wife and children. The second is to serve as the leader of the clan. God’s word makes clear that men are to lead their families, but there are limits to their authority. Husbands are told to love their wives as they love themselves and be willing to lay down their lives for them. In addition, they are warned to not treat their children cruelly or carelessly. The third contribution made by a father is to serve as the protector. Dads keep the home safe, defend the honor of their wife and children, and help the group when they feel scared or nervous about life events. The final contribution of effective dad’s is to provide spiritual direction at home. Men need to feel comfortable in reading scripture to their family, teaching morals and values, implementing daily prayer, and encouraging involvement within the church.

Abraham’s son, Issac, eventually received his father’s blessing and moved away. He met Rebekah and God blessed them with twin boys, Jacob and Esau. Genesis 25:27-28 states that Jacob and Esau had many differences between the two. Issac loved and favored Esau more because they shared a common interest in their taste for wild game and Esau was a skillful hunter. Issac’s favoritism towards Esau eventually caused lying, deceitfulness, jealousy, and separation of the sons from the family.

We see this similar issue occur with Jacob and his son Joseph. In Genesis 37: 3-4 the Bible says Jacob loved Joseph more than any of his other sons. Joseph was hated by his brothers for the gifts and love that he received from his father, which they apparently did not receive. Again, lying, deceitfulness, jealousy, and separation from the family occurred. Obviously, we know that God worked through these two examples and the families were able to reconcile their differences.

Unfortunately for many children, the faults of their fathers have negative effects that end up causing dysfunction across generations. A father’s primary role should be to build up the character and integrity within their children. A father achieves this through the modeling of his own behaviors and through his demeanor. Identifying with your children is a far more effective teacher than yelling, scolding, and punishment. Children watch their father intently and will begin to model the best and worst of a father’s behaviors.

A father who displays his anger regularly towards his children and wife will raise children who could end up treating their mother and eventually their spouses with the same disrespect. A father with selfish tendencies will be observed by their children and most likely replicated.

Fortunately, all men have the greatest model of all to follow, our Heavenly Father. Living a life focused on following Jesus and committing self to biblical principles will allow a father to model the greatest of all traits that God has equipped us with.
In 2 Timothy 3:16-17, the Bible says “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”

How to Avoid Power Struggles With Your Children Part 2

During last month’s article, the concept of avoiding power struggles with your children was introduced. To reiterate, the main idea is to not think of power as something that you are trying to take away from your children. Instead, the idea is that parents want to learn to how to take any defiance or disrespect that may exist during the power struggle out of the equation. Power struggles are not opportunities to employ personal attacks towards each other, but instead conflict is an opportunity to teach conflict resolution skills, teach your children how to form their own ideas and opinions, and how to compromise.

Once children reach the tween (9-12 years old) and teen years, they should be able to developmentally understand the concept of cause and effect. For example, a child will think, “if I do something that I was told not to do, mom and dad will be upset with my choice and will take away privileges.” Children at this age also desire to make their own choices and are beginning to develop their own personalities.

For that reason, it is important to give your children the ability to make their own choices within a specific framework. If there’s an issue around doing chores or homework, for example, a good way to avoid a power struggle is to offer some options. Parents should say, “You can start your chores/homework when you get home from school or you can do these after dinner.” The key element is that they are not given the choice of not fulfilling their responsibilities, but instead given the choice of when they will do them. This teaches your child problem solving skills and with each increase in autonomy, there also should be an increase in responsibility and accountability. For instance, let’s say your child wants to stay up till 9:00 p.m. instead of 8:00 p.m. Parents and child decide that staying up an hour later isn’t going to interfere with your child’s need for sleep and that he’s old enough to handle the later bedtime. So both parties reach a compromise of 8:30 p.m. to see how that goes.

Most parents will think the case is closed at this point, but if you leave it there you probably haven’t done enough to teach problem solving. You need to make clear to your child how you expect increased responsibility with increased autonomy. The end of any conversation that centers on a change or an increase in power have to include these four questions:

1. How will we know it’s working?

We’ll know staying up later is working if you still get up on time in the morning for a consistent time period of one month.

2. How do we know it’s not working?

If you have a hard time getting up on time and don’t have energy during the day on a consistent basis.

3. What will we do if it’s not working?

We’ll go back to the old time, 8:00 p.m., for one month, and then renegotiate.

4. What will we do if it is working?

We’ll continue with this new bedtime.

Finally, if your child is unsuccessful in achieving the results they wanted and negotiated, don’t close the case and say it will never happen for them. Instead, come up with an agreed upon time when you will try the negotiated system once again. For example, if the 8:30 p.m. bedtime was not successful, say that you will try it again in another month or two. Be consistent and keep to your promises with your children when it comes to these agreements and you will develop children with integrity that respect your authority.

How to Avoid Power Struggles with your Children

by Michael Linn

Proverbs 22:15 explains, “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.” It is important for parents to understand how to avoid power struggles with their children. Understanding reasons behind your child’s desires to control a situation can help you know if this is just a part of growing up or if your child has crossed the line into outward defiance.

Power is one of the strategies people use to get their needs and wants met. As children grow, you will see them trying to gain power in order to become more independent. When your child was an infant, you had almost all the power. They communicated that they were hungry or uncomfortable by crying; that was the only power they had. As your child grew older, they took on more responsibility and with more responsibility came more power. They learned to pick up after themselves, and they also learned that refusing to do chores gave them some power. They learned to do their homework-and refusing to do it also gave them power. Remember, there is no such thing as positive or negative power: it’s simply power with positive or negative ends.

One of the biggest things to remember is that children and teens don’t see the world the same way that their adult parents do. But, most kids don’t have the maturity to perceive the big picture of what is going on around them in their world. We also know that most children and teens are inherently self-centered in their thinking. Their natural inclination is counter to the way God wants us to be. By the time children become teenagers, their perception of their world fuels their willingness to fight, argue, and engage in defiant power struggles. For the most part, this is healthy. It may be annoying for the parents, but this is natural and necessary for teens to find ways to handle authority appropriately.

When I work with parents who are frustrated with their children, I try to encourage them that their goal should not be to take away all the power struggles. Instead, the focus should be on taking the defiance out of the power struggles. As children grow and graduate through the various stages, they need to learn how to challenge their parents appropriately in order to become more independent. Your children have to learn that they cannot get what they desire by being abusive, hurtful, or obnoxious. Your children also have to be taught how to have power struggles in a way that does not turn into personal attacks.

When a police officer pulls you over, if you don’t agree that you’ve made a mistake in traffic, you might find yourself in a power struggle with him or her. If you get out of your car and start screaming, that won’t get you anywhere. Instead, you try the tactic of calmly and respectfully explaining your position. Whether or not they still give you a ticket, you’ve been able to present your viewpoint in a way that doesn’t get you into more trouble, and might in-fact solve your problem. In the same way, ultimately we want our kids to learn how to advocate for themselves by engaging in actions and conversations which increase their autonomy-without getting them into more trouble.

Teaching your children that they can disagree in respectful ways are important in helping them learn how to separate, individuate, and form their own opinions and feelings. But, modeling this acceptance of your children’s ideas and showing understanding about their desire to have more control ultimately helps foster more respect within the relationship of parent and child. This authoritative style of parenting displays high expectations and yet high warmth and love. This style of parenting closely resembles Christ-like love.

Tagline: Michael Linn, M.Ed., is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is the director of Safe Harbor Christian Counseling of South Central PA with office locations in Chambersburg, Gettysburg, and Carlisle. Please visit www.safeharbor1.com for more information or call 717-264-0614.

Make Up or Break Up

by Debra Fileta

“Breaking up is hard to do.”

I don’t know about you, but I wholeheartedly believe that the title of this song holds some serious weight. Breaking up is really hard to do. For those of us who have experienced the thrills of dating, we know that it also comes with some of the most heartbreaking and difficult moments life has to offer.

Breaking up is hard to do because the very nature of dating asks of us to give a part of ourselves into the hands of another. We give our time, our money and, most importantly, our hearts. Our emotions are more valuable than we often give them credit for—and any of us who have given them away know how difficult it can be to get them back.

For those of you who may find yourselves in the aftermath of a breakup, the prospect of picking up the phone and reconnecting will be looming overhead. But before you dial that number, be sure to take some of these points into consideration.

Breaking up is hard to do, but it’s an important part of healthy independence, especially when one finds themselves in a relationship that has the potential to cause more harm than good. Many times, a break-up is a sign that something isn’t the way it should be. It can be our healthy signal that it’s time to take a serious look at the relationship we are in and ask ourselves if it’s really worth investing more, or if God may be calling us to let go.

Some things to consider in wading through these serious and potentially life-altering questions:

Relationships ARE what they ARE. It may sound simple, but the profound yet simple truth in this statement is one that I see time and time again from brokenhearted couples who enter my office. The reality is, the building blocks that make up your relationship before you get married are the very things you can expect to see in your relationship after you say “I do” and for the rest of your lives. Personality quirks, communication styles, emotional temperaments—These are things that are built into the very fibers of who we are. Change is possible, but frankly, it’s not probable.

People have a tendency to believe that things will change as the relationship progresses. “Maybe she’ll lose her anger once she realizes how committed I am to her.” “Maybe he’ll stop flirting and pay attention to me when I am his wife.” “Maybe we will learn to talk to each other in a positive way once we are married.” Unfortunately, the likelihood of major changes is slim to none.

Marriage is like a pressure cooker. It magnifies and intensifies anything you put inside, whether the ingredients are good, bad or ugly. In fact, one thing I tell my clients who enter premarital counseling is this: Take all the things you love and all the things you dislike about this person, and then multiply them by 10. Because essentially, that is the “multiplication factor” of marriage.

Have the underlying issues been resolved? Sounds obvious, but the reality is that this is the reason why the same couples are breaking up time and time again.

Issues are not resolved just because you have said “I’m sorry.” They are not resolved with a simple “I miss you” or the promise of an “I love you.” Although these are all wonderful things to say – simply saying them does not mean it’s time to get back together.

For many couples, sweet words are enough to sweep away issues rather than taking a good hard look at the problems that need to be faced. Just because he bought you flowers doesn’t mean he’s dealt with his pornography addiction. Just because she wrote you a sweet note doesn’t mean she’s changed her priorities in life. Making up can be a wonderful thing, but only if the things that separated you have been dealt with and changed. Otherwise, you are right back on that never-ending roller coaster.

Ask yourself, “Is this relationship one that builds, encourages and edifies me?” In my personal opinion, couples who break up more than once should probably come to terms with the truth that they are not in an uplifting, encouraging and edifying relationship. A relationship that works for a lifetime is not filled with confusion, fear and doubt. A relationship that works doesn’t mingle with the drama of mistrust, criticism and infidelity. A relationship that works is not one in which you have to try and “win them back”, or one where you have to be something that you are not.

Healthy relationships by their very nature build up those who are in them, that leave you a better person at the end of the day. Healthy relationships are ones where you can say no to co-dependence because they leave room for you to be yourself. In fact, you become your BEST self. You are loved as you are. In essence, healthy relationships are those that resemble the love of Jesus, a love that was communicated through every single action.

In Scripture, 1 Corinthians 13 has been called the “love chapter.” It’s no coincidence that it gets quoted time and time again at weddings, the day a man and woman stand before God in a lifelong covenant of unity. But it would do us well to take a look at the words of this verse long before the wedding day. It would do us well to reflect on this kind of love that speaks through actions and ask ourselves if our dating relationship reflects these things. If the answer is no, it may be time to just let go.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Debra K. Fileta, M.A., LPC, is a counselor for Safe Harbor Christian Counseling at our Palmyra, PA office. Contact her at 800-305-2089.