The Effect of the Modern Evangelical Culture on Marriage

by Erik Sundquist, Director, Safe Harbor Christian Counseling

Nearly 25 years ago, I was involved in 2 very well-known Christian ministries on my college campus. In fact, I met a beautiful young lady at one of these groups whom I would fall in love with and marry…we have been married for 23 years and have 2 children. At these campus ministries we were taught to give our testimonies in a 3 step process.

•Step 1: Share how big of a mess my life was before I had Jesus in my life
•Step 2: Share how I met Jesus
•Step 3: Share how good my life is now since Jesus has solved my previous problems

I would love to hear people’s responses to this formula – especially people who have been Christians for a long time. Is this how your life has played out in reality? What has been the impact of this formula on your own soul – do you feel more alive inside as you seek to extrapolate this recipe across your life? How have those around you who do not share this perspective view you and the gospel in terms of credibility?

Let’s think about how the modern evangelical culture affects our marriages for a moment – I have observed that our modern evangelical church culture still espouses the views in this simple 3 step process. So, here we are as Christian couples who are trained that we are supposed to have it all together because we have Christ. The longer we have had Jesus, the more “together” we are supposed to be. Does anyone see the dilemma in this?

Relationships function best when we are open to the possibility that we are wrong and can see situations from the viewpoint of another. This becomes more difficult when our spiritual system says that we have to be “correct” or we are less spiritual.

This formula has profound implications for how we deal with (or don’t deal with) our own brokenness in our present relationships. We need places where anyone no matter where they are in their spiritual journey can feel safe to pull the fig leaf back and be honest! It is my prayer today that I can be this type of person for those around me today.

Lessons Learned From My Father

Over the last couple of years, my life has drastically changed when my wife and I were blessed with a son to add to our family. For anyone that is a parent, you are well aware that there really is no way to completely prepare for what life is like as a parent. My wife and I read many of the books on parenting, participated in plenty of conversation with family and friends who are parents themselves, and certainly consulted with God’s word and engaged in intense prayer. Still, we at times have felt worried and concerned about our efforts as parents and know the importance of relying and trusting God.

I have been changed by the birth of my son and the new responsibility as a father. I thought I knew what responsibility and love was when I met my wife and married her. My wife is a strong, independent, and God fearing women. I have her parents to thank for the fact that they raised her in a Godly home. True love is about how far you are willing to go to put aside your selfish nature for the betterment of that person. Sure my wife needs me to provide for her, but our son needs us for anything and everything and is completely dependent. Our son was born as an empty vessel that desires his mother and father to provide him love, nurturance, acceptance, and direction in life. If my wife and I don’t provide this for him, where else would he receive it? The problem with many children is that they go outside the family to receive this identity during their teen years. We have realized that we have such a small window of time to influence him and train him up to be a Godly man. We have learned what it means to be selfless and giving.

My father taught me the values, morals, and selflessness that helped shape my identity. We live in a country where about 1 in 3 children will live in a home without a father. I was extremely fortunate to have my father present and ALWAYS available. Sure my father provided my physical needs, but it was the sacrifice he made to provide for me emotionally and spiritually that I will always remember most. My dad was very skilled at leaving his work behind at the end of the day and not allowing it to get in the way of time with me. He spent a great deal of time in the evening and weekends playing sports with me, communicating with me, and just plain being present with me when I needed him emotionally. He always told me that he loved me and was proud of me, and still says these things to me to this day. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized how rare this was when I realized that most of my friends did not have this type of bond with their fathers.

My dad has since retired this past year from nearly 40 years in the computer/IT field and he was someone who always taught me the value of hard work. He worked very hard in his job, but also worked hard to instill values, morals, and ethics into me. There was rarely a Sunday that we did not go to church and Sunday School. We attended a very small church, but it felt like a family to us and I would watch carefully as my father would interact with the other members of the church and volunteer his time.

Father’s are often unintentionally teaching their children lessons just by the way that they live their lives. I realize that so much of what I learned from my father was not while he was making a point or creating a teaching moment, but just by observing the way he lived. He was a man of integrity, a God fearing man, and a man of character. For that I am forever grateful. It was not until I became a father that I realized how much I benefited from his influence.

I encourage all parents, but especially father’s to realize the importance you have on your families. The measure of a man is the spiritual and emotional health of his family. Men need to provide vision, courage, and leadership. Without this, your wife and children will suffer. 1 Timothy 5:8, “If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

Thank you dad for helping to teach me what it means to provide…I love you.

Tagline: Michael Linn, M.Ed., is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is a Regional Director at Safe Harbor Christian Counseling with office locations in South Central Pennsylvania and Western Pennsylvania. Please visit www.safeharbor1.com for more information or call 717-264-0614 to make an appointment.

On Being a Disciple

by Bruce Weatherly

Philippians 3:10, 11 – I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in his death, and so somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Matthew 16:23-25 – Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan!  You are a hindrance to me.  For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.”  Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him “deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.  For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

Philippians 2:13 – “for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose.”

What was Peter’s great sin and error?  Jesus said he had in mind the things of man instead of the things of God.  Peter was focused on living…Jesus on dying.  Peter was focused on the good life…Jesus on real life.  Peter was focused on living for Jesus, the victory ahead, how Jesus was going  to become King and Peter and the other eleven would be “livin large”, powerful and ruling with Him.  Jesus was focused on dying.

Well-meaning, well-intentioned, ignorant of the facts, unknowingly still prideful Christians are focused on living.  Disciples are focused on dying.  Well-intentioned, still prideful Christians are focused on and talking about living for Jesus to accomplish things for Him.  Disciples are focused on and talk about dying for Jesus.  Well-intentioned still prideful Christians secretly believe they must do it for Him.  Disciples know He can and will fill them and live through them, because they really believe and count upon the fact that He lives in them.  Well-intentioned still prideful Christians focus on and talk about “commitment.”  Disciples focus on and talk about “surrender.”

A disciple is dying daily so he or she can “know Christ.”  He is daily going through an inward dying to self so Jesus can live through.  “Self” is whatever part of me still lives that, knowingly or unknowingly, exercises itself in opposition to, apart from or instead of Christ. Simply put, self is whatever is not Christ.  Self goes deep.

A disciple is one who has taken up his cross and is following Him.  A disciple is dying daily, surrendering, letting go of control, at increasingly deeper and deeper levels of his being so he can “gain Christ”, so he can “know Him”, glorying in “the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, attain the resurrection from the dead.”  

A disciple knows that death brings life, like a kernel of wheat falling to the ground.  A disciple knows that the indwelling Holy Spirit always fills space created by brokenness.  He longs to come to the place and looks forward to being able to say with Paul, “and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.”  Paul meant this experientially.  It is the birthright of every Christian.

To “attain the resurrection from the dead” is to come to know, as much as is possible in this life, experiential union with Christ; to know experientially, by grace through faith, what we already have positionally.  This is accomplished through knowing the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, i.e. dying to self; through brokenness, dying to all that is in me that is not Him.

Following Him along this painful path, we gain Him, and that makes it all worth it.  Well-intentioned still prideful Christians don’t like this.  They want to stay in control.  Disciples glory in it, love Him and want to die more so they can have more of Him.

If we are to go on with God, we must come to the place of this shift; we must come to the place of focusing on dying instead of living.  Jesus died so we could live.  All He asks of us is to return the favor.  We are not disciples until we do so.

“We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.  For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.  So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you” (2 Corinthians 4:10-12).

It is through dying that we “somehow” find life, and give it to others.  The “somehow” is because we no longer live, but Christ lives in us.

 

Bruce Weatherly, Licensed Psychologist, Regional Director of Safe Harbor Christian Counseling, Mid Pennsylvania Region

Friendship

Proverbs 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another”.

In the Bible, Proverbs outlines several pieces of advice when it comes to friendships and the value of friendships. The verse above speaks to the importance of friends helping each other grow and succeed. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” For the vast majority of people, your family can be counted on in times of difficulty. It is almost a given that family will bind together when times are tough. But, it is possible that a person may not be very close to their family or in reality, not exactly like certain family members very much. True friends, the Bible says, are there for you at all times (good and bad). True friendships are chosen and a gift, whereas family is not chosen. Choosing, forging, and keeping true friends are vital for success in life.

When we go through the grocery store checkout line, what is typically the theme of the magazine covers? It certainly is not about “Look who is best friends with who!”
Our society values more of a liberal and individualistic cultural, therefore the magazines, movies, songs, and entertainment news is almost always about “Look who is dating who!”

In a culture where romantic and family relationships seem to be the priority for most people, what room is there for adults to form deep and intimate friendships? We live in a culture where many people are very mobile and distant because of jobs and other commitments. The reason many people don’t have all the friendships that their hearts desire is because they themselves are not being great friends to others. It takes a commitment and sacrifice to give the time and effort needed to foster these relationships. Here are four aspects that are vital in creating true friendships with others:
1. Constancy – A true friend loves at all times. They are there for you in good, bad, and ugly times. When we are in moments of personal suffering, most people we know and most acquaintances will say, “Let me know if you need anything” and “I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers”. True friends are a constant presence and will say, “I’ll be right over” and will spend the time necessary with you.
2. Carefulness – They are sensitive to your vulnerabilities and know where the line is not to cross with you from an emotional standpoint. There is a deep emotional connection and therefore it is difficult for either person to enjoy himself or herself if the other person is struggling.
3. Candor – A true friend is going to give you their honest opinion in an effort to help you. They will not let you struggle with something and just stand on the sidelines while it happens. Whereas some friends or acquaintances would not want to “hurt your feelings” by telling you their opinion, a true friend shows they care by showing their honesty.
4. Counsel – True friends confide in each other and make themselves vulnerable towards one another. A great friend will always let you in and never lets you down.

After reading the four keys you may find yourself evaluating how many “true” friends you really have. If your list is relatively small, that is appropriate. The reality is that you cannot emotionally or physically invest in too many friendships. In a Facebook society where higher numbers of “Friends” mean a higher status, we can easily get discouraged and misled. Most of the people who we associate with do so because we are useful to them and they are useful to us. Our self-concept is typically shaped based on the opinions of others and their view of us. The more powerful and successful we become in society the harder it is to have real friends. But there is hope…

When Jesus spoke to the disciples shortly before He died (John 15:13-17), He outlined that they no longer were His servants, but instead His friends because they had shared in intimate knowledge of what Jesus knew about God. Because we have God’s word and can have a personal relationship with Christ, we always have a friend in Jesus. A friend who always loves, never gives up on us, provides the wisest counsel, and gave his life for us. If we focus our friendships on being what Christ is for us and finding fellow Christians who share in this passion, we open up a whole new world for potential friendships.

Tagline: Michael Linn, M.Ed., is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is a Regional Director at Safe Harbor Christian Counseling with office locations in Altoona, Carlisle, Chambersburg, Fairfield, Hagerstown, and Gettysburg. Please visit http://www.safeharbor1.com for more information or call 717-264-0614 to make an appointment.

R-E-A-C-H Towards Forgiveness With Others

The Christian community considers the Bible to be the definitive word of God.  The Bible is often referred to as a manual for daily living and therefore we often will recite scripture or summarize Bible stories as a way to help others and ourselves in dealing with the difficulties of life.  Biblical truths are very powerful when spoken with compassion and understanding towards others.

 

As a Christian counselor, my style in helping others tries to combine the clinical research and findings related to various mental health and emotional issues with these Biblical truths.  There are various proven and valid Christian counseling techniques for helping others in dealing with their problems.  One such method is the REACH Model, which is a forgiveness and reconciliation model that works particularly well with couples that are seeking marriage counseling.  

Psychologist Everett Worthington Jr., who back in 1996 endured a horrific tragedy, developed the REACH Model after his own elderly mother was beaten and attacked.  His ability to develop understanding and forgiveness towards the persons who performed this act became an inspiration to many and is what allowed the REACH Model to take form.

 

The REACH Model is an acronym meaning:

Recall the hurt
Empathize with the one who hurt you
Altruistic gift of forgiveness
Commitment to forgive
Hold on to the forgiveness

Step 1 Recall the Hurt. When we are hurt, it is natural to experience fear or anger. Fear prompts us to run and anger prompts us to attack. It is natural for a victim to try to physically and mentally avoid the aggressor. Mental avoidance consists of trying to forget or distract the mind from focusing on painful thoughts related to the event. Physical avoidance is relatively easy, but escaping thoughts is more difficult and can highly frustrating. It is difficult to forgive if fear or anger still dominates your mind. The way to overcome the fear or the anger is to recall the event and still try to relax. Take deep, slow and calming breaths as you visualize the event and recall the hurt event fully. Do not hesitate to seek help from a friend or a therapist if it’s difficult to do on your own.

Step 2 Empathize with the person who hurt you. Explain the hurtful act, not from your perspective, but from that of the other. Why did he or she do this? The purpose of this imaginative exercise is not to arrive at the most accurate explanation of the wrongdoer’s actions but to find an explanation with which you can live and let go. For example, you may say to yourself, “People who hurt others are themselves usually in a state of fear, anger or hurt” or, “People are not always thinking rationally when they hurt others.” Couples often struggle with this concept because they often have such high trust and expectation in each other and can feel betrayed when one hurts the other. But, the love they have for each other can hopefully allow for empathy to take place. Also, understanding the love God has for us is important in being able to have empathy for others.

Step 3 Altruistic gift of forgiveness. This can again be a very difficult thing to do, especially when the person giving this gift of forgiveness was the one who originally felt they were the victims. But, God regularly forgives his people and provides grace. Giving a person who wronged us the gift of forgiveness is a way of telling the person that they are worth it and also helps lift the burden of anger and bitterness.

Step 4 Commit yourself. Make a commitment to yourself to forgive publicly so you don’t have a chance to back out later. Such public commitment may include announcing your intention to a group you belong to, write a “certificate of forgiveness” with a specific date on the certificate; write a letter of forgiveness to the wrongdoer and reading it out loud, directly confronting the person who hurt you, or tell a trusted friend about your act of forgiveness. Obviously, before we can publicly or privately forgive, I believe we have to pray for God to heal our hearts and give us this ability and confidence.

Step 5 Hold onto forgiveness. Memories of the hurtful event will surface even after you have forgiven the wrongdoer. Hopefully, the memories will not be as emotional and disturbing as they were before you exercised your ability to forgive. Forgiveness should be genuine. Learn to interrupt all thoughts related to revenge and self-pity. True forgiveness reduces chronic anger, fear and stress, increases optimism and brings health benefits.

Tagline: Michael Linn, M.Ed., is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is a Regional Director at Safe Harbor Christian Counseling with office locations in Altoona, Carlisle, Chambersburg, Fairfield, Hagerstown, and Gettysburg. Please visit www.safeharbor1.com for more information or call 717-264-0614 to make an appointment.

 

Positive Thinking and Beliefs by Michael Linn

Last month, we focused on setting goals and commitments for yourself in regards to social, physical, emotional, and spiritual health.  People are far more likely to believe to stick to lifestyle changes if they are able to maintain a positive attitude and truly believe in God’s presence in their lives.

Positive thinking brings inner peace, success, improved relationships, better health, happiness and satisfaction. It also helps the daily affairs of life move more smoothly, and makes life look bright and promising.

Positive thinking is contagious. People around you pick your mental moods and are affected accordingly. Think about happiness, good health and success, and you will cause people to enjoy your company more often, because they enjoy the vibrations that a positive mind emits.

In order to make positive thinking yield positive results, you need to develop a positive attitude and expect that God will not give you more than you can handle.  But, you also need to know that through your relationship with God, your problems can be worked through.  Don’t let the challenges you face become burdens or barriers, but instead see them as God’s way of showing he believes in you.

Effective positive thinking that brings results is much more than just repeating a few positive words, or telling yourself that everything is going to be all right. It has to be your predominant mental attitude. It is not enough to think positively for a few moments, and then letting fears and lack of belief enter your mind. Some effort and inner work are necessary.

Are you willing to make a real inner change and allow God to work through you?
Are you willing to change the way you think?
Are you willing to trust God and the circumstances that come your way and believe that you will overcome them through dependency in Him?

Here are a few actions and tips to help you develop the power of positive thinking:

• Always use only positive words while thinking and while talking. Use words such as, ’I can’, ‘I am able’, ‘it is possible’, ‘it can be done’ and emphasizing that all this can be done “through my relationship with God!”    
       
• Allow into your awareness only feelings of happiness, strength and success.      
       
• Try to disregard and ignore negative thoughts and attacks. Refuse to think such thoughts, and substitute them with constructive happy thoughts.      
       
• In your conversation use words that evoke feelings and mental images of strength, happiness and success.      
       
• Before starting with any plan or action, visualize clearly in your mind its successful outcome. If you visualize with concentration and faith, you will be amazed at the results.      
       
• Read at least one page of an inspiring book every day.  I recommend devotional books as well and the Psalms in The Bible.      
       
• Watch movies that make you feel happy.      
       
• Minimize the time you listen to the news and read the papers.  Most news is negative.      
       
• Associate yourself with people who think positively and are strong in their faith.      
       
• Always sit and walk with your back straight. This will strengthen your confidence and inner strength.      
       
• Walk, swim or engage in some other physical activity. This helps to develop a more positive attitude.

Think positive and be ready for what God hands you, even if your current circumstances are not as you wish them to be. In time, your obedience and commitment to staying positive and faithful will begin to bear fruit in your life.

 

Tagline: Michael Linn, M.Ed., is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is the director of Safe Harbor Christian Counseling of South Central PA with office locations in Altoona, Carlisle, Chambersburg, Fairfield, and Gettysburg. Please visit www.safeharbor1.com for more information or call 717-264-0614 to make an appointment.

 

The Value of Patience

Psalm 40:1 states, ”I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.”

We live in a fast paced world. Technology has allowed for people to get information at a faster rate, communicate with people in several different forms all around the world, and most people are able to obtain services they desire at a quicker pace. One of the main issues that most counselors (me included) run into when working with people is that the people want to know, “How long is it going to take for me to get over this problem?” Most services people receive nowadays have a definite time that can be given to when the job will be complete. Even most medical conditions can be treated and given a time when the problem should not exist anymore.

I often tell the people I work with that my job would be much easier if I could just take an x-ray to figure out the main problem with someone. Also, it would be easier if there was the almighty quick-fix for mental health and emotional problems. But, we know that this does not exist for the challenges in life that God gives us. Waiting patiently on the Lord and depending on Him is a challenge for most people and a concept very difficult to understand.

When I first began as a counselor, I often wanted to find the quick fix for people and I was often the one who felt impatient if someone came in week after week and was still struggling to understand their suffering. I have learned a great lesson as I have gained experience in working with others; God’s timing is different than ours. Also, God’s plans for our lives are greater than anything we could imagine. Being obedient to God and trusting that he will pull us out of our troubles is essential for every Christian believer. As a Christian counselor, I know that I have a responsibility to communicate this to people I help.

I want to share a story about a client who recently humbled me to be more patient with the process of helping another person. He is a young boy who I have seen for a long time on a weekly basis. He comes from a troubled home and has been through many traumatic events in his life. This boy has presented over the past 2 years as very angry and avoidant of discussion during therapy. I have prayed for him and his family over the time I have worked with him but have often felt very discouraged by the lack of progress that I thought I should be seeing. His family continued to bring him on a weekly basis and was more patient than I was with the process.

Lately, God has been working in both of us during our therapy sessions, as I have seen a dramatic shift in his behaviors and willingness to open up. Recently, God revealed a scripture to me, Romans 15:4-5, ”For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope. Now may the God of patience and comfort grant you to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus.” This scripture has served as a great reminder for me to be obedient to God’s word and just be present with others while showing Christ-like love. This approach allowed me to stop trying to force success and change with this young boy and allowed for greater results ultimately to occur.

I encourage all of you who read this to remember that change does not always occur as fast as we would like, but God’s timing and Will is always better than what we could create for ourselves.

In 1 Peter 1:6-7, it states, “In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”

Tagline: Michael Linn, M.Ed., is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is the director of Safe Harbor Christian Counseling of South Central PA with office locations in Altoona, Carlisle, Chambersburg, Fairfield, and Gettysburg. Please visit http://www.safeharbor1.com for more information or call 717-264-0614 to make an appointment.