How to Avoid Power Struggles with your Children

by Michael Linn

Proverbs 22:15 explains, “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.” It is important for parents to understand how to avoid power struggles with their children. Understanding reasons behind your child’s desires to control a situation can help you know if this is just a part of growing up or if your child has crossed the line into outward defiance.

Power is one of the strategies people use to get their needs and wants met. As children grow, you will see them trying to gain power in order to become more independent. When your child was an infant, you had almost all the power. They communicated that they were hungry or uncomfortable by crying; that was the only power they had. As your child grew older, they took on more responsibility and with more responsibility came more power. They learned to pick up after themselves, and they also learned that refusing to do chores gave them some power. They learned to do their homework-and refusing to do it also gave them power. Remember, there is no such thing as positive or negative power: it’s simply power with positive or negative ends.

One of the biggest things to remember is that children and teens don’t see the world the same way that their adult parents do. But, most kids don’t have the maturity to perceive the big picture of what is going on around them in their world. We also know that most children and teens are inherently self-centered in their thinking. Their natural inclination is counter to the way God wants us to be. By the time children become teenagers, their perception of their world fuels their willingness to fight, argue, and engage in defiant power struggles. For the most part, this is healthy. It may be annoying for the parents, but this is natural and necessary for teens to find ways to handle authority appropriately.

When I work with parents who are frustrated with their children, I try to encourage them that their goal should not be to take away all the power struggles. Instead, the focus should be on taking the defiance out of the power struggles. As children grow and graduate through the various stages, they need to learn how to challenge their parents appropriately in order to become more independent. Your children have to learn that they cannot get what they desire by being abusive, hurtful, or obnoxious. Your children also have to be taught how to have power struggles in a way that does not turn into personal attacks.

When a police officer pulls you over, if you don’t agree that you’ve made a mistake in traffic, you might find yourself in a power struggle with him or her. If you get out of your car and start screaming, that won’t get you anywhere. Instead, you try the tactic of calmly and respectfully explaining your position. Whether or not they still give you a ticket, you’ve been able to present your viewpoint in a way that doesn’t get you into more trouble, and might in-fact solve your problem. In the same way, ultimately we want our kids to learn how to advocate for themselves by engaging in actions and conversations which increase their autonomy-without getting them into more trouble.

Teaching your children that they can disagree in respectful ways are important in helping them learn how to separate, individuate, and form their own opinions and feelings. But, modeling this acceptance of your children’s ideas and showing understanding about their desire to have more control ultimately helps foster more respect within the relationship of parent and child. This authoritative style of parenting displays high expectations and yet high warmth and love. This style of parenting closely resembles Christ-like love.

Tagline: Michael Linn, M.Ed., is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is the director of Safe Harbor Christian Counseling of South Central PA with office locations in Chambersburg, Gettysburg, and Carlisle. Please visit www.safeharbor1.com for more information or call 717-264-0614.

Make Up or Break Up

by Debra Fileta

“Breaking up is hard to do.”

I don’t know about you, but I wholeheartedly believe that the title of this song holds some serious weight. Breaking up is really hard to do. For those of us who have experienced the thrills of dating, we know that it also comes with some of the most heartbreaking and difficult moments life has to offer.

Breaking up is hard to do because the very nature of dating asks of us to give a part of ourselves into the hands of another. We give our time, our money and, most importantly, our hearts. Our emotions are more valuable than we often give them credit for—and any of us who have given them away know how difficult it can be to get them back.

For those of you who may find yourselves in the aftermath of a breakup, the prospect of picking up the phone and reconnecting will be looming overhead. But before you dial that number, be sure to take some of these points into consideration.

Breaking up is hard to do, but it’s an important part of healthy independence, especially when one finds themselves in a relationship that has the potential to cause more harm than good. Many times, a break-up is a sign that something isn’t the way it should be. It can be our healthy signal that it’s time to take a serious look at the relationship we are in and ask ourselves if it’s really worth investing more, or if God may be calling us to let go.

Some things to consider in wading through these serious and potentially life-altering questions:

Relationships ARE what they ARE. It may sound simple, but the profound yet simple truth in this statement is one that I see time and time again from brokenhearted couples who enter my office. The reality is, the building blocks that make up your relationship before you get married are the very things you can expect to see in your relationship after you say “I do” and for the rest of your lives. Personality quirks, communication styles, emotional temperaments—These are things that are built into the very fibers of who we are. Change is possible, but frankly, it’s not probable.

People have a tendency to believe that things will change as the relationship progresses. “Maybe she’ll lose her anger once she realizes how committed I am to her.” “Maybe he’ll stop flirting and pay attention to me when I am his wife.” “Maybe we will learn to talk to each other in a positive way once we are married.” Unfortunately, the likelihood of major changes is slim to none.

Marriage is like a pressure cooker. It magnifies and intensifies anything you put inside, whether the ingredients are good, bad or ugly. In fact, one thing I tell my clients who enter premarital counseling is this: Take all the things you love and all the things you dislike about this person, and then multiply them by 10. Because essentially, that is the “multiplication factor” of marriage.

Have the underlying issues been resolved? Sounds obvious, but the reality is that this is the reason why the same couples are breaking up time and time again.

Issues are not resolved just because you have said “I’m sorry.” They are not resolved with a simple “I miss you” or the promise of an “I love you.” Although these are all wonderful things to say – simply saying them does not mean it’s time to get back together.

For many couples, sweet words are enough to sweep away issues rather than taking a good hard look at the problems that need to be faced. Just because he bought you flowers doesn’t mean he’s dealt with his pornography addiction. Just because she wrote you a sweet note doesn’t mean she’s changed her priorities in life. Making up can be a wonderful thing, but only if the things that separated you have been dealt with and changed. Otherwise, you are right back on that never-ending roller coaster.

Ask yourself, “Is this relationship one that builds, encourages and edifies me?” In my personal opinion, couples who break up more than once should probably come to terms with the truth that they are not in an uplifting, encouraging and edifying relationship. A relationship that works for a lifetime is not filled with confusion, fear and doubt. A relationship that works doesn’t mingle with the drama of mistrust, criticism and infidelity. A relationship that works is not one in which you have to try and “win them back”, or one where you have to be something that you are not.

Healthy relationships by their very nature build up those who are in them, that leave you a better person at the end of the day. Healthy relationships are ones where you can say no to co-dependence because they leave room for you to be yourself. In fact, you become your BEST self. You are loved as you are. In essence, healthy relationships are those that resemble the love of Jesus, a love that was communicated through every single action.

In Scripture, 1 Corinthians 13 has been called the “love chapter.” It’s no coincidence that it gets quoted time and time again at weddings, the day a man and woman stand before God in a lifelong covenant of unity. But it would do us well to take a look at the words of this verse long before the wedding day. It would do us well to reflect on this kind of love that speaks through actions and ask ourselves if our dating relationship reflects these things. If the answer is no, it may be time to just let go.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Debra K. Fileta, M.A., LPC, is a counselor for Safe Harbor Christian Counseling at our Palmyra, PA office. Contact her at 800-305-2089.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Part 1

by Michael Linn

The book of Revelation depicts in Chapter 6:1-8 a scroll in God’s right hand that is sealed with seven seals. Jesus opens the first four seals, which summons four horsemen. These four horsemen are meant to represent conquest, war, famine, and death, respectively. The esteemed psychologist and marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman, has come up with his own version of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. His research has found that an unhappy marriage can increase your chances of becoming ill by 35% and take four years off of your life. Given this research, it seems likely that working on your marriage everyday is just as effective as working out at a health club.

Although many couples are uncomfortable with anger and believe that anger is the root of marital unhappiness, this is not necessarily the case. Conflict is not the problem, but how we handle the conflict is where the problems arise. Venting anger constructively can actually do wonders to clear the air and get a relationship back in balance. However, conflict does become a problem when it is characterized by the presence of Gottman’s version of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

1. Criticism – Criticism involves attacking your partner’s personality or character, rather than focusing on the specific behavior that bothers you. It is healthy to air disagreements, but not to attack your spouse’s personality or character in the process. This is the difference between saying, “I’m upset that you didn’t take out the trash” and saying, “I can’t believe you didn’t take out the trash. You’re just so irresponsible.”

2. Contempt – Contempt is one step up from criticism and involves tearing down or being insulting toward your partner. Contempt is an open sign of disrespect. Examples of contempt include: putting down your spouse, rolling your eyes or sneering, or tearing down the other person with so-called humor.

3. Defensiveness – Adopting a defensive stance in the middle of conflict may be a natural response, but does not help the relationship. When a person is defensive, he or she often experiences a great deal of tension and has difficulty tuning into what is being said. Denying responsibility, making excuses, or meeting one complaint with another are examples of defensiveness. Both men and women are usually guilty of defensiveness during arguments.

4. Stonewalling – People who stonewall simply refuse to respond. Occasional stonewalling can be healthy, but as a typical way of interacting, stonewalling during conflict can be destructive to the marriage. When you stonewall on a regular basis, you are pulling yourself out of the marriage, rather than working out your problems. Men tend to engage in stonewalling much more often than women do.

All couples will engage in these types of behaviors at some point in their marriage, but when the four horsemen take permanent residence, the relationship has a high likelihood of failing. In fact, Gottman’s research reveals that the chronic presence of these four factors in a relationship can be used to predict, with over 80% accuracy, which couples will eventually divorce. When attempts to repair the damage done by these horsemen are met with repeated rejection by either spouse, Gottman says there is over a 90% chance the relationship will end in divorce.

In next month’s article, we will look into ways of working against the Four Horsemen and creating a healthier marriage.

Tagline: Michael Linn, M.Ed., is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is the director of Safe Harbor Christian Counseling of South Central PA with office locations in Chambersburg, Gettysburg, and Carlisle. Please visit www.safeharbor1.com for more information or call 717-264-0614.

Can Anxiety be a Godsend?

by Michael Linn

Most research studies and polls show that nearly 75% of all people experience Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) at some point in their lives. Generalized anxiety is characterized by long periods of anxiety, exaggerated worry and tension. This extends to worry and fear, even when it seems that there is little or nothing to cause it. This condition affects a person mentally as well as physically. Often people experiencing GAD will report panic attacks, racing heartbeats, sweating, difficulty breathing, stomach, and chest pain.

Anxiety can cause further problems in relationships and often causes avoidance of activities, people, and our intimacy with God. The question I often get from people I counsel is, “Why does God allow me to have anxiety?” When you dig deep into a person’s background, you can see that the root of all anxiety is fear. Anxiety is the fear of something bad taking place in the future. When the body is under mental stress, it will often react with anxiety symptoms. These symptoms that I described earlier are warning signs to help alert us that something is wrong.

The causes of anxiety vary from person to person. Often a person’s family background and experiences are the main cause. Childhood trauma, major changes and transitions in life, attachment to others, and genetic makeup are also some of the determining factors in how someone will deal with stress and anxiety.

What I have found to be the most effective form of treatment is to focus on a person’s mental makeup and help a person learn to change thought patterns and beliefs. Sometimes, it is also necessary to challenge the person through some type of exposure-based therapy. In both forms, I work at helping a person understand what their triggers to stress and anxiety are, learn more effective relaxation techniques, build a supportive network of people, and learn to develop a greater dependence on God through prayer.

Psalms 56:3 (NIV) states, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you”. Anxiety truly can be a godsend at times for people. Anxiety can be humbling and cause a person to have greater dependence on God and less confidence in him or herself. John 3:30 (NIV) states this, “He must become greater, I must become less.” God uses difficulty, stress, and moments that cause anxiety for His glory and to help us develop greater character and dependence.

In therapy sessions, I will often encourage people to explore what they think God is challenging them with and to understand that our faith and dependence in God will help us through these challenges. One of my favorite verses highlights this in 1st Corinthians 10:13 (NIV), “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” Resting in God’s promises can provide comfort, peace, and better understanding of why anxiety exists.

Tagline: Michael Linn, M.Ed., is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is the director of Safe Harbor Christian Counseling of South Central PA with office locations in Chambersburg, Gettysburg, and Carlisle offices. Please visit www.safeharbor1.com for more information or call 717-264-0614.

Steps to Building a Strong and Healthy Christian Marriage

By Michael Linn

I have been blessed that a good portion of my counseling work involves working with married couples and couples that are preparing for marriage. My experience has taught me that although no married couple is the same, the reason that couples seek out counseling is usually similar. Typically, there is a betrayal of trust on some level, selfish motives, and usually there is a major breakdown of communication. Either one of the partners, if not both, have begun to isolate their thoughts, feelings, words, and actions from the other person.

In Proverbs 18:1 (ESV) it states, “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.” The Bible says that isolating ourselves can create bad judgment and selfish decisions. Here are five important ways to safeguard your marriage and create a healthy and intimate bond with your partner.

1. Take time each day to pray together – I know that we live in a society that is fast paced and busy. In couples where at least one partner works, odds are that the two are going to be separated from each other more than they are awake and together within a given day. But, couples have to take time to pray with one another and not just at the dinner table with the children around. Husbands should initiate this with their wives and set aside private time for this time with God.

2. Read the Bible and daily devotionals – Part of praying together should also involve immersing in God’s word and completing a daily devotional. A devotional book should be challenging, pose important questions to discuss, and give some direction in talking about past, present, and future. Find a local Christian bookstore to locate a good daily couple’s devotional.

3. Involve each other when making important decisions – There should be no secrets within a marriage and this includes making decisions. Couples should know each other on such an intimate level that they know decisions and choices that are being made by each other. On all important decisions, consult one another and make mutual decisions, especially when it comes to finances, parenting issues, future goals, etc. Every couple should set aside at least 20-30 minutes each day just to talk with one another privately.

4. Continue to make time for fun activities – When two people meet each other and begin their dating and courtship, there is excitement and optimism. There is also a lot of planning and commitment to having date nights. Keeping the romantic love alive can be tough when couples have children and are tired from their long days at work. But, planning date nights and small getaways can be a great way to keep the love and passion burning for one another.

5. Get involved in church and Christian community together – Finding a local church where both can grow spiritually and socially is vital for a married couple. Hebrews 10:24-25 reads “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” Attending a church where you both feel comfortable will allow you both to serve the body of Christ and make Christian friends along the way.

Michael Linn, M.Ed., is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is the director of Safe Harbor Christian Counseling of South Central PA with office locations in Chambersburg, Gettysburg, and Carlisle offices. Please visit www.safeharbor1.com for more information or call 717-264-0614.

Health and Wellness in the New Year

A recent scientific study from the website Quirkology.com found that only 50% of the participants involved in a New Year’s resolution study were confident that they would be able to achieve their personal goals for the upcoming year. Out of that group, men achieved their goal 22% more often when they engaged in some type of goal setting. Women on the other hand were 10% more successful when they made their resolution goals public and were able to get support from friends and family.

These statistics show that there is a higher chance of success when a person is able to have a disticnt and thought out plan of action for goals. God is the ultimate change agent in a person’s life. Paul spoke of this in his letter to the Romans, “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” ~ Romans 12:2 (NLT)

When we search the Bible for definitions of health, we find that health can best be explained by understanding that our physical, emotional, social, and spiritual aspects of life are all vital.

Physical
In 1st Corinthians 6:19-20 (NLT) it states, “Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.” Creating a reasonable schedule that includes exercise, proper diet, and the right amount of rest and relaxation is the key to maintaining positive physical health. Setting realistic and obtainable goals can be difficult and most New Year’s resolutions are defeated because goals are too difficult to meet.

Emotional
The mind and body are connected on several levels. Depression, stress, and anxiety are mental health conditions that also have physical symptoms. When a person feels troubled emotionally, there are usually physical consequences. In Proverbs 17:22 (NLT), it states, “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.” Emotional health is best improved by focusing on reading the God’s word and coping with our stressors through proper counsel and strategies.

Social
Social health is improved by making a commitment to verbalize with others close to us, having people we can trust for advice and counsel, and having people we can stay accountable to. Finding people that fit these categories can often be a challenge but social support is necessary for a healthy lifestyle. Satan’s greatest attacks happen when a person is isolated. Proverbs 18:1 (ESV) reads “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.”

Spiritual
The four components of health are all inter-connected. If one area is weak, the others will be affected as well. This is certainly true for spiritual health. Our reliance and faith in God can often be negatively affected when the other three areas are declining. But, during our time of struggle is when our reliance on God is most necessary. Romans 5:3-5 (ESV) states, “More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

Being mindful of these four aspects of health will lead to a healthy start to 2011. Beginning with next month’s article, I will look more in-depth into these four areas of health.

Michael Linn, M.Ed., is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is the director of Safe Harbor Christian Counseling of South Central PA with office locations in Chambersburg, Gettysburg, and Carlisle offices. Please visit www.safeharbor1.com for more information or call 717-264-0614.

“King David fulfilled God’s purposes”

Selena Eldridge M.S. and Christian Life Coach

Selena Eldridge – Safe Harbor Christian Counseling

“King David fulfilled God’s purposes” is the title of the teaching message that I heard at church on Sunday, as I listened I was prompted to think about my own life and the lives of others that we at Safe Harbor have the privilege to work with, the message continues to stay with me …as I think about why it resonates so much within I realize it is a beautiful portrayal of our humanness intersecting with God’s redemptive work…and what comes forth is HOPE….hope for me, hope for you and hope for our humanity (that which is subject to do the wrong thing) and in that I am reminded of the capacity for purpose even in the most destructive circumstances.

The teaching message took us through a journey in the bible using scripture to lay out God’s purposes for King David’s life…for one it is through the line of David that Christ is born…the bible says “he (David) was a man after God’s own heart” Acts 13:16-23…he was a great leader and a great warrior but here’s the hope; he was not so great in the area of his interpersonal relationships. In this example, David chooses to look the other way when his son Amnon raped his daughter Tamar (2 Samuel 13).

Amon then despised and hated Tamar because of his own actions (blaming the victim)…because of the “ elephant in the room” that the family refused to deal with, under King David’s familial leadership….(after festering for about 2 years) Absalom another son of David’s felt the need to avenge his sister Tamar’s honor by murdering Amnon his brother…he was then forced to flee to a city of refuge because of his murderous deed (and forced to live away from his family for about 3 years)…let us not forget that David was also known in scripture as an adulterer and a murderer (2 Samuel 11), this is a picture of generational dysfunction huh…sounds a little more familiar now…how many of us can relate to broken or dysfunctional family systems…why is it we so often relate only to the dysfunction in the family system and miss the redemptive work of God?

All families have dysfunction, even the healthiest of families have pain, separation, loss, disappointment and brokenness…the thing that resonated so for me, was that although King David struggled as a leader in his own family, he made poor and destructive choices and many mistakes in his interpersonal relationships…King David still fulfilled God’s purposes for his life….including the fulfillment of the eternal covenant (2 Samuel 7)…WOW therein lies the hope for you and for me …that is what I love about working for Safe Harbor I get to be a message bearer of hope…hope that is not of me but in me..Selena

Selena Eldridge M.S. and Christian Life Coach
Regional Director Safe Harbor Christian Counseling of AACO
410-263-0222 ext 403
410-807-2626 cell
1-800-305-2089 ext 403
selena@safeharbor1.com
Partners in Hope. Solutions for Life